How Affairs Are Discovered

There are a huge number of ways for an affair to be discovered - but some of them hurt the betrayed spouse even more so than others. It is always hurtful to discover that your spouse is having an affair - but it is even more hurtful to catch them in the act for them to readily admit to their actions. Below are some of the many ways that the betrayed spouse may find out about the affair.

When the straying spouse confesses so that they can end the deception

Sometimes, an affair may have occurred a number of years, months or weeks ago and it may well be completely over. The straying spouse might choose to disclose the affair to their partner not because they feel like they have to - because the affair is over - but because they want to end the deception. Oftentimes, many straying spouses will disclose the affair in this situation so that they can start to move forward in their marriage on a clean slate - no lies, secrets or deception.

When the straying spouse confesses so that they can end the marriage

Occasionally, a straying spouse will tell their partner that they have been having an affair in order for them to end the marriage. Disclosing the affair is a rather effective way of emphasising that they don't want to be in the marriage anymore and that they are not interested in working things out. In this situation, the betrayed spouse will usually have to heal alone and will more than likely have to try to work out the answers to their questions alone.

When the straying spouse confesses to prove a point or to send a message

A straying spouse might sometimes confess to an affair - or hint at an affair - in an effort to get their spouse to sit up and take notice. A straying spouse might confess to an affair in order to hurt their spouse or to cause them harm. They might confess to an affair in order to make their spouse realise that they might lose them.

Or, they might confess to an affair because they are simply desperate for their spouse to take notice of them again. Whatever the reason for their disclosure, in this scenario, it may well be easier for the couple to get through the affair as the straying spouse was honest about their actions.

When the straying spouse confesses so that they can stop the questions

Often, when an affair occurs, the betrayed spouse already has an inkling that something is going on. They may well constantly question the straying spouse, asking them where they are going, who they are seeing and what they are doing. The betrayed spouse may even have an inkling as to who their spouse is having an affair with and will question whether they and their spouse are "just friends".

For a while, the straying spouse will deny that anything has happened between them and the affair partner, but after a while, they may disclose a few small details - they might say "We only kissed once" or "We were just flirting, no big deal".

Eventually, after constant questioning from their spouse, the straying spouse may confess to the affair in all of its detail in order to stop the questions. With so much evidence - and a full confession, the dishonesty on the part of the straying spouse can feel like a double whammy in terms of betrayal.

When a friend discloses the affair

Sometimes, a friend will be the most reliable source of information for an affair and they may well disclose the full details of the affair in order to help their friend. It might not feel like they are being particularly friendly, but in most cases of a friend disclosing an affair, they are only doing so because they want to protect their friend or because they think they have a right to know.

However, some friends may be going out of their way to be unfriendly - or purposefully hurtful - when they disclose the affair to their friend. In this situation, it's always important to listen to any actual evidence that your friend may have - rather than hearsay - so that you actually have solid evidence to confront the straying spouse with.

When an anonymous source discloses the affair

In this situation, a spouse may receive an anonymous phone call, text or email claiming that their spouse is having an affair. If you don't know the individual involved or they refuse to tell you who they are, ask yourself why. Why would a stranger choose to disclose that information to you when it is nothing to do with them? Chances are, a stranger wouldn't tell you about an affair - so it's possible that the disclosure isn't actually true.

When the affair partner discloses the affair

It's not unusual for the affair partner to disclose the affair - and in this situation, it is more likely for the affair partner to disclose the affair if the straying spouse has been repeatedly dishonest with them about the situation at home.

The straying spouse may have told their lover that their spouse "doesn't understand them" and that the marriage is all but over - but yet they stay in the relationship. The affair partner might disclose the affair in order to force their lover's hand. More often than not, this results in the end of the affair.

When the affair partner's spouse discloses the affair

When the affair partner's spouse has discovered the affair, they may well be so angry that they make contact with the unsuspecting betrayed spouse in order to disclose the affair so that some sort of action can be taken. This can be one of the most hurtful ways to discover an affair as the information given to the unsuspecting betrayed spouse may well be tainted with anger - making it less neutral and less easy for the betrayed spouse to handle the information.

What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?

Time To Act: There is hope.

An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.

 By Kajay Williams

How To Forgive Your Partner After The Affair

Betrayal

This one word just about sums up the entirety of what you must have felt when you found out about your partner's affair. You move through the stages slowly - the paralyzing shock, the gut-wrenching pain, and the gnawing hollow that it leaves where you're loving heart used to be - before fury seizes you so fiercely you are likely to burst with the vehemence of your anger.

You hate your partner, you hate the third party, and you hate yourself in turns. Even as your rage subsides, your resentment grows. Your self-esteem takes a beating - how could he/she do this to you?! - and you are overtaken by the desire to punish someone for the grave wrong that was done to you.

Yes, betrayal does wake up all these impassioned feelings... but where does it leave you? Will it help you to move on? When you have been hurt like this, how will it help if you allow anger or hate to consume you? How will it help if you punish or hurt or blame someone?

Let's face it. You find yourself here because all the negative emotions are doing you more harm than good. You need to let it all go. You need to forgive - your cheating spouse, the consenting third party, and yourself. But the how of it eludes you - or maybe even the why. At the moment, the important thing is this: you need to forgive and yes, believe that forgiveness is your first true step to healing and moving on.

What is FORGIVENESS?

Forgiveness is about compassion for those who have wronged you. It is letting go of the desire to hurt or punish someone for causing you this mind-numbing pain. You cannot pretend forgiveness, nor can you force it. Forgiveness is a state of grace wherein your compassion allows you to freely decide to release all feelings of resentment towards the person who has hurt you.

Forgiveness is different from acceptance - acceptance is passive and it does not exactly mean that you are free from your resentment and anger. Forgiveness does not require you to forget nor does it demand that you excuse the infidelity of your spouse. And very definitely, forgiveness does not justify the wrong that was done to you.

While forgiveness is not forced, it is still a decision you can make - the decision to muster genuine compassion for the person who has betrayed you. Actually, the act of forgiving is not entirely for the benefit of your errant partner; in fact, when you forgive, all of the benefits redound mostly to you.

Why is forgiveness NECESSARY?

Forgiveness is a powerful affirmative force - a perfect counterbalance to all the negativity of the betrayal of the affair. Forgiveness itself is a powerful healing balm necessary for you to truly move on. You cannot hope to move on with your life if you are burdened and shackled by resentment.

Admittedly, you can never really be free of the memory of the betrayal - at least not immediately - and the pain will take a long time to ebb away. But when you have forgiven your cheating partner, you loosen the choke hold that the pain of betrayal has on you.

If you don't forgive, there is every possibility that anger will eat away at you. When you allow your animosity to consume you, you will become a bitter person. It all goes downhill from there. When you find yourself in a different relationship, your anger will make you wary and distrustful. How then can you enjoy being in a relationship when you are consumed by your bitterness?

The value of future relationships - of intimately connecting with another human being - becomes warped in your depression or anxiety for a wrong that you cannot let go of. At the back of your mind, you expect to be hurt again and you psychologically steel yourself for that.

This is why it is important to let all that resentment go -- not necessarily because you mean to get back with your cheating spouse - but because you want to move on with your life on a positive, rather than a negative, note. And you want to believe in love again - trust that you can be happy in a relationship again.

PROCESS of forgiving

More than a destination, forgiveness is a process. That is why committing yourself to this process of forgiving is already cathartic. Forgiving is a lot like grieving. When you grieve for a person, you liberate him or her from whatever wrong done to you and remember only the good times you shared - essentially, when you grieve, forgiveness is a foregone conclusion.

As a process, the initial stages you go through when forgiving someone is a lot like the when you are grieving someone - after all, you are grieving the loss of a relationship you used to cherish. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described the stages of grief as follows: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. This is only natural. After this comes the process of actually forgiving.

1. Denial.

Denial will be your first reaction when you learn of the affair. Even if your spouse owns up to the affair, you cannot stop yourself from wanting it all to be just a bad dream from which you will wake.

2. Bargaining.

Bargaining comes after denial. The relationship was your comfort zone - whether it was a good or bad relationship, whether your partner treated you wonderfully or cruelly - it's not easy for you to turn your back on that. Even if all your instincts tell you otherwise, you just can't get out of that box - not yet.

And so you bargain: whatever it takes to make it alright between you and your treacherous partner. You'll beg, you'll coerce, you'll threaten but it is all just a desperate act. You may feel foolish afterward but it is also part of the healing process.

3. Anger

Anger follows that rather short phase of bargaining, whether you were successful at it or not. Your anger has always been lurking behind your denial and your bargaining and sooner or later this rage will burst forth. We have different ways of letting off steam but what's important is to find a means of venting it out that you will not regret later on.

4. Depression

Depression is when all the pain starts to sink in and your anger can no longer mask it. The gloom creeps in and you cannot keep it at bay. The remorse is partly because you were betrayed but part of it could also be because you feel inadequate to hold your partner's attention.

Your self-esteem nosedives and self-pity becomes your favorite pastime. Let the tears flow. Embrace the pain - do not deny yourself the purgative powers of tears. Bawl if you must - sob - just don't let it fester like a wound. Only when you are drained of your anger and your depression will you be able to move to the next and last stage of grieving.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance ends your grieving. You are not OK - you are still feeling the residues of anger and pain - but you have accepted the fact that your partner has cheated on you. It's done - it's over - and nothing can change what has happened.

The first four stages make you try a roller-coaster of bleak emotions but they will not be long-lived. Give yourself time to grieve but don't dwell on it. Acceptance will come to you once you recognize that the betrayal has happened and nothing can undo the past. Acknowledge it. Then go on to the next stage.

It is only too tempting to go back to square one - you've been hurt and you want others to hurt too. You want revenge - eye for an eye, their pain for your pain. But that will only be counterproductive for you. In the end, you gain nothing by torturing yourself with the bleakness..

Once you have accepted the fact of your partner's betrayal, you stand on the cusp of a very crucial time in your relationship: what's the next step for you? And what's the next step for you and your spouse? Only when you have reached the stage of acceptance should you make such decisions.

This will be the first time during this dramatic period of your life that your mind is not fogged by pain and anger. You need a clear, rational head to decide where to put your foot next.

Now, it's not only when you wanted your spouse back that you should aim for forgiveness. Even if the betrayal was so deep and damaging that you have no choice but to break up, you still need to forgive. Again, forgiveness is a process. Each stage brings you closer to that state of grace wherein your genuine compassion is evoked and you can honestly say that you have forgiven your spouse.

6. Reflect on why you need to forgive.

Before you can forgive the one who has wronged you, you need to appreciate its value. Only when you believe in its importance can you begin the journey of forgiving.

7. Welcome the apology.

That doesn't mean that saying sorry will make it alright - far from it. Saying sorry is an admission of guilt and that does open fresh wounds. Sometimes you may not even want to hear it - you are too wary of your cheating spouse that you would always doubt his or her sincerity. An apology will not cleanse the taint that the betrayal has smeared on your relationship.

But let's face it - it's easier to forgive someone who has said sorry - not easy, but easier. The more genuine the apology, the more it evokes the compassion needed to forgive. Don't spurn the apology but don't give in to it unless you are ready to. Do not also give false hopes to the person asking your forgiveness - if you truly don't feel that you have forgiven him or her then don't say so just because you feel awkward with all the contriteness your partner is exuding.

8. Examine yourself.

Where before you look at yourself deprecatingly - and you might have even blamed yourself for your spouse's straying - now try to reflect objectively. What did the betrayal cost you? What have you gained?

Stick to the facts. Try and look at yourself from somebody else's point of view. How have you reacted? How has it affected your life, your well-being? What steps have you taken? At the end of this painful journey, you would want to emerge not as the victim but as the victor - stronger, wiser. Your goal is to triumph over this betrayal - not unlike a phoenix rising from the ashes.

9. Decide to forgive.

You cannot force forgiveness - that is why you need to go through all the above processes. You are preparing yourself to forgive. After all, forgiveness doesn't just come to you - forgiveness is an option that you can either choose to take or not. Before you can forgive, you must actively choose to forgive. But only when you are ready, of course.

10. You are not a victim.

No matter how much it feels like you are, having been betrayed and all, you need to move away from that role. That's right, you are merely playing a role - a role which was unpleasantly and forcefully thrust on you - but as with any roles, you can shed it.

11. Liberate yourself from the affair's control.

You can take this literally if that is your decision - i.e., to break up with your partner - but it is meant to be figurative. When you relinquish the role of victim, you empower yourself - and free yourself from the control the pain of the affair has on you. Letting go of the hold that the situation has over your life allows you to wrestle control for your life back into your hands.

BENEFITS of forgiveness

When you want to get back with your cheating spouse, of course you first need to forgive him or her. Otherwise, the betrayal would always hang like Damocles' sword over your fragile relationship. Even the most innocuous remark can tip you over the edge. You will begrudge your spouse your trust, and love can never hope to flourish in that kind of environment.

Unless you have forgiven your spouse, you will always be haunted by his or her infidelity so much so that you expect it to happen again. That would a very tense relationship you have there, one that cannot hope to last.

So yes, forgiveness benefits both parties who consent to stay together despite the affair. It is not an option but a necessity for a healthier relationship. People in relationships not ultimately broken by infidelity find that the lessons they learn from the affair makes their relationship stronger, healthier. But only if they have forgiven.

But more than healing a broken relationship, forgiveness benefits the person who forgives - emotionally, psychologically and even physically. Here's how:

a. Relieving yourself of the grudge and bitterness allows compassion to flourish. And therein lays your peace of mind and the serenity of your spirit.

b. As mentioned, forgiveness is necessary to regain the healthy relationship you've had with your spouse. But even if you decide to part ways, you will be more open to a healthy relationship with someone else if you have forgiven your past.

c. The trauma of your spouse's infidelity can destabilize your mental well-being. Forgiveness can ease that trauma so you regain your psychological health.

d. Forgiveness chips away at your depression. If you can muster the compassion to forgive someone, then there is no reason for you to beat yourself up over the affair and whatever you believe your role was in it. The pain will take a long time to truly go - and you may never be able to forget it - but as you have forgiven the wrong done to you, your sadness over the betrayal will be tempered by your acceptance and compassionate understanding of it.

e. Forgiveness also lessens your hostility - to your spouse and to others - and makes you less anxious to be in a relationship and more relaxed among your friends.

f. Having to face the fact of your partner's infidelity is stressful at all levels. Forgiveness eases that stress because once you have forgiven, you have let go of the cause of all that strain.

g. Stress can be detrimental to your physical health. Stress has often been the precursor for a lot of lifestyle diseases. As well as that, we also tend to take our own health for granted when we are stressed out or wallowing in sorrow. Once you have forgiven your traitor of a spouse, the stress will also gradually melt away.

h. Others cope with the infidelity of their partners by getting hopelessly drunk. Alcohol and certain drugs do mask the pain momentarily but they don't drive it away. The pain is muted only when your brain is fuzzy with alcohol or you are high on drugs but the pain will hit you with the fullness of its force as soon as you are sober. This is why some become addicted to the escape that alcohol and drugs afford them, however temporary it is. But when you forgive, the relief is permanent - there is no pain to mute, no trauma to mask.

BARRIERS to forgiveness and OVERCOMING them

Forgiveness is so much easier said than done. No matter how committed you are to forgiving your errant spouse, there are several obstacles that would derail you from successfully completing the process.

You'll have to face each challenge before you can ever hope to reach your goal. Here's how.

1. You're still reeling from the pain.

Forgiveness may be the last thing you'd want to do if the battering your emotions took still feels too raw and fresh. But even then, you should already start the process because this is part of your healing, part of how you can move on. As you commit yourself to the process of forgiving, you are in fact initiating the process for easing your own hurts.

2. You want revenge.

You want retribution for the betrayal - it hurt you, shamed you, and broke you - and you want others to suffer as much or more. You want revenge so much that you feel it is more of a burning need before you can move on. You feel that only after you have made your partner as miserable can you forgive.

But what is more important to you - to amplify your partner's misery or to diminish your own? Your partner is already miserable for his or her part in the betrayal - you are not the only one suffering. If you take your revenge, you may be satisfied for the moment but it will not last long because now you will be the one on the erring side. And no, it doesn't even the playing field - it only makes the situation worse.

3. You cannot forget.

Again, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. No way can you forget such a trauma nor should you. There are valuable lessons to learn from the affair and you would do well to use them to your advantage. You need not be grateful for the betrayal but if you want to triumph over it, you need to dig out what good it has gained you and become a better person for it. Never forget the experience although in time you will not be able to remember the intensity of the pain it caused you.

4. Your partner has not apologized.

Apology - a sincere apology- is usually the prerequisite for forgiving a cheating spouse. If that does not seem forthcoming - or worse, your partner seems incapable of remorse - then it would really be difficult to forgive him or her.

You cannot force your partner to apologize and because of this you might take a longer time to forgive. The best thing to do is distance yourself from your partner and surround yourself with compassionate family and friends. As the pain subsides, make a conscious effort to let your resentment go - forgiveness after all is a choice.

5. You don't want to reconcile.

While forgiveness has everything to do with reconciliation, reconciliation has nothing to do with forgiveness. You can - and in fact you should - forgive even if you do not plan to get back with your spouse.

Forgiveness is not passive. There's no telling how soon or how long it will take you to forgive someone but what's important right now is initiating the process. Some people feel that after having turned their back on their erring partners, they have already moved on without having to forgive. But these people are also emotionally volatile. They have not mustered the compassion to let all the grudges go and random events can unexpectedly open up anew the fount of pain that they have merely lidded. The bitterness stays, the resentment lingers. That is not the kind of person you want to be. So forgive... and be free.

What To Do If Your Partner Is Having An Affair?

Time To Act: There is hope.

An affair may be the best thing to happen to a marriage or relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, experts say that many couples survive infidelity and are able to rebuild a stronger, better and more fulfilling marriage after the betrayal.

By Kajay Williams

Are Women Better Cheaters Than Men?

It is said that women are smarter than men. If this is the case, do they have the ability to do everything better than men can? It's been proven that women can do a job just as well, if not better than a man can. That's all great in this day and age of women being independent.

If they're so great at everything, as well or better than a man, can they be better cheaters than men? Hands down a woman can actually get away with cheating better than a man can. Not because men are dumb, but because a woman methodically will plan ten steps ahead rather than taking quick shortcuts like a man would. Let's just be realistic about it. Men are more likely to get caught cheating than a woman is.

Let's compare the difference as to why women could be better cheaters then men...

Women would plan and think about how they would cheat.

Whether the woman trying to cheat would do it alone or with the help of other women, they're likely to better their chances of accomplishing the task of cheating either way. They will plan ahead of time. The how, when, where, and even have a back up plan in case something goes wrong will already be in place. Women are more capable of being on "stealth" mode and a man will not have a clue she's stepping out on him.

Men are not good at planning things on their own without having to take shortcuts or make a last minute changes. Sadly, a man trying to cheat is sort of like them trying to read instructions to put something together; get the point? Attempting to involve other men to cover for a cheating man is like amplifying the amount of errors and chances on getting caught, rather than going at it alone. Some men may get offended by this, but it's actually true and they know this.

While attempting to cheat a man will give himself away to a woman and right away by just his behavior alone.

Poker Face

This is the term used when you eventually have to keep a straight face while lying to make it believable; like bluffing in a poker game.

Women are more believable even when they're lying; they make it look as if they were actually telling the truth. Men lie and that's true but, the fact is, women lie just as well and in many cases even better than a man ever hoped to be. You would have to get an investigator to follow a woman or attach a lie detector to her in order to catch her in the act. Yep, she's that good at it!

Without a Trace

A woman is more likely to stay away from and under the radar when they're cheating, leaving not a trace behind. This can be removing text from the other man from her cell phone or better yet, memorizing the other man's phone number without having to save it to her phone with a name attached to it. Some women even have an extra set of

clothes hidden away in the trunk of their car, just in case they need to change underwear or simply change to a different outfit to see the other guy and change back again before returning home. Some women are so cool and collective that they will wait to get home after cheating and decide to take a bath as if nothing ever happened.

Men on the other hand are known to get caught via texting, computers, e mails, and even saving a woman's name and number in their phone with all their information. If a man goes out to cheat, he would do absolutely the opposite of what a woman would do; thus getting his butt caught.

He would actually take a shower before coming home to remove any scent from the other woman, but this is just a dead give away! Leaving the house already showered and coming back hours later as if he just got out of the shower smelling like fresh soap will be noticeable by any woman. Needless to say he wouldn't change his underwear or the clothes he wore.

These are just a few examples that can prove that women are hands down better at cheating than men. They might know more ways than what you think they do. Men are still trying to catch on to the ways of cheating. After all, women are smarter than men and we are not trying to offend them, but it's an actual fact.

Also, it's important to remember that if you accuse someone, you'd better have some proof. Not saying any or all men or women cheat, just letting you know who would be smarter while doing it!

 By Teresa M Deas

I Don't Know Who To Confide In About The Affair

I sometimes hear from folks who feel as if they don't have any one with whom they can be completely honest about their marriage and the recent infidelity that has threatened it.

Sometimes, this concern comes from the faithful spouse. You'll often hear comments like: "I really wish I had someone to talk to about my husband's affair. But I don't want to tell my family or my friends because I know that they would think less of my husband and they would think less of me because I may just stay with him. I feel like I just have to keep this inside of me and guard this awful secret."

Other times, you will hear these kinds of concerns from the cheating spouse. Common comments are things like: "I feel horrible guilt about cheating on my wife. I would do anything to make this right again. I am so sorry for my behavior. I wish I could talk to someone about this. I'd love to hear some insights about what might have been behind my stupid behavior. I can't talk to my wife about this because it will hurt her. I can't talk about any of my friends about this because I don't want people to know how much of a jerk I was. I don't even feel comfortable telling my pastor about this because I feel like my wife wouldn't like him knowing about our marriage. I guess I will just have to have conversations in my own head."

I firmly believe that it's very important to have an outlet for this. But I also know first hand that you have to be very careful about who you share this with. All of the above concerns are extremely valid. If you tell mutual friends, family members, or acquaintances, then you run the risk that these people will make judgements or will continue to ask about or bring up the affair long after you want to let it go.

Plus, hearing other people's judgements and assessments of you, your spouse or your marriage can be very hurtful. This can affect those close relationships that you really need right now in order to lean on for support. So below, I will offer some alternatives that might help.

Consider Talking To A Third Party Professional: I know that some people might roll their eyes or groan at this suggestion. Because a counselor, marriage, or mental health professional is usually the first consideration that is often rejected. I know that the idea of going to see a stranger and unload about your marriage might feel odd, but think about it this way. A professional has no preconceived notions about you, your marriage or your spouse. They have no investment about the outcome. They just want to help you sort out the issues and heal. And, when you are at the end of the process, you don't have to worry that any thing that you tell them will come back to haunt or you.

Consider Talking To A Friend That Doesn't Know Your Spouse Or Who Has No Interest In Your Marriage: Sometimes, you have a friend or a coworker that you only know casually or outside of your personal life. In other words, this is someone who you never have to worry about coming over to your house and facing or judging your spouse. This is often a coworker because many people are able to keep their work and their professional lives separate. But sometimes this might be someone who you get to know at the gym or on the train that you are comfortable enough approaching.

Consider Talking To The Blank Page: Many people resist writing in a journal because they are afraid that their spouse is going to read what they have written or they are a little embarrassed to put their feelings on paper when their teenage years are behind them. But, I strongly suspect that if you try this for at least a week, you will be glad that you did.

Frankly, I journal on a small word processor that has a password feature. That way, I never had to worry about anyone reading what I have written. Or, you can use a computer and delete the entries if this makes you feel better. Another idea is that you can get a journal with a lock or you can rip out the pages as you finish. Whatever it takes to make you feel free to release your feelings is worth the effort.

People will often tell me that they have no idea what to write about. If you need a little nudge, there are a couple of things that you can try. I would often read self help books about infidelity and then I would write out my reaction. I would write about why I thought the author was right or wrong. And then I would go on about my own personal situation and feelings.

Or, you can use open ended phrases like: "today my most persuasive feeling or thought is _____ and here is why." You can try free association and you can write the first thing that comes into your mind. You can look at photos in magazines and write about what feelings those evoke in you. Or you can set the timer for five minutes and just start writing and see what presents itself.

However you get the words out, it's important that you do. Keeping your feelings inside will often keep you stuck. Once you release the feelings, they often lose their power and you can begin to work through them. But please talk to someone or something. You don't want to keep your feelings trapped inside of you. They need to be released so you can begin to heal.

Once I realized that talking to mutual friends or family members was a mistake because of the judgments that this brought about, I eventually started journaling.
By Katie Lersch

Why Our Relationships Need to Be Based On Unconditional Love to Thrive

Real (unconditional) love is rare. Very few people have experienced it in their own lives but most people believe they know what love is and it is this belief which keeps people trapped in the endless cycle of chasing a feeling of being 'wanted' or 'needed'.

Real love is 'caring about the happiness of another without wanting anything in return'. Unfortunately most of us were brought up on conditional love, believing we had to 'earn the approval' of other people. When you earn enough approval and you approve of another to an equal level, you believe that you are 'in love' and that this is happiness.

But this kind of happiness is fleeting. You have to work jolly hard to maintain the feeling and so does your spouse. However without actually ever experiencing any other sort of 'love' or happiness, why would you believe there was another way?

Imagine that you've lived in Antarctica for your entire life, so all you've ever known is temperatures between -20°C and -60°C. One day, however, the temperature rises from -40°C to 0°C. Compared to what you've known all your life, you'd think that was warm, but how could you possibly know what genuine warmth was? How could you know what it could be like to bask on a beach in Grand Cayman, where the temperatures might vary between 30°C and 35°C in the afternoon?

So it is with real love. It is impossible to describe unless we've experienced it for ourselves, but once we do, all forms of 'imitation love', including marital affairs, pale in comparison.

Once you have experienced the feeling of real love for the first time will have a huge effect on all aspects of your life. Loving, positive relationships that would previously have seemed impossible will become effortless, and the pain caused by having an affair will soon be a fading memory. It will also have a very positive effect on your working relationships, social and family relationships too as you learn to give people what they are missing in their lives. The feeling generated goes beyond anything you will ever have experienced before.

So how possible is it to be truly unconditionally loving to our spouse?

Well when we don't feel unconditionally loved or accepted ourselves then we are always going to be trying to 'get' something from our partner to make us feel better, even if that is only a short buzz of power when we 'win' an argument. The key is to feel unconditionally loved first, by someone capable of giving it, and then learning to offer it to your spouse.

By Nikki M Uglow

How to Tell When Your Boyfriend Is Cheating on You

Have you been wondering what your man is up to when he's not with you? Do you have a sinking feeling every time he doesn't answer his phone? Is he regularly leaving you in the dark when you ask about his day or his time away from you? There are several ways to figure out whether he is cheating or whether you are just being paranoid.

Of course your relationship started out with generosity and chivalry. He'd pick you up for your evenings out, plan a series of activities that he knew you would like, would be affectionate in public. Nowadays it seems that things have fallen flat. He doesn't hold the door for you anymore and he'd rather order Chinese and watch a movie than take you out on the town. These changes in his behavior are not necessarily indicative of cheating, but they are a sign that your relationship is in trouble for whatever reason. Pay attention to his actions and try to address the problem before it gets worse. If he is unwilling to make an effort on your behalf, perhaps the relationship isn't worth it - regardless of whether he has been with other women.

If you have regular plans with your guy and he's starting to bail on them, it could be a bad sign. Perhaps you and he get together every Friday after work for cocktails with some friends... but all of a sudden he is unavailable for these outings. If he doesn't have a good excuse, your relationship could be in trouble. You don't need to be accusatory, but it is perfectly acceptable to ask him why he wasn't there for you. If he doesn't have a good reason, address the problem with him and try to gauge his response from there.

Learn to read into his excuses. People who are lying tend to have thought out their alibi prior to delivering it. Are there too many details? Does something seem off about his story? Does he get defensive if you question any aspects of his explanation? Verify his whereabouts if you deem it necessary. If he claims to have been with a certain friend, work it into conversation the next time you see that friend. If he's lying, it's pretty likely that he will get tripped up.

While cheating may seem heartless and insensitive, it doesn't mean that your man doesn't feel guilty about it. When guys feel guilty, they tend to express it outwardly. They will become aggressively defensive and even pick fights with you to change the subject. This is a pretty common trait among cheating men, and one that can be extremely emotionally damaging to you if you don't nip the problem in the bud.

Think about the past. Did your relationship start out with you being the other woman? Chances are his next relationship will, too. Is he still friends with any of his ex-girlfriends? Most adults in relationships can maintain at least a casual platonic relationship with their exes unless the romantic relationship ended particularly tragically.

Whether or not you can prove he's cheating, the important thing to keep in mind is that if you are concerned, there is a reason for it. If his behaviors have changed and you don't feel that the relationship is what it once was, perhaps it is time to move on regardless of whether or not he has been faithful.

By Hannah E Fairfield

Learn to Avoid the Temptation of an Affair

Do you sometimes feel like other women have already snapped up all the eligible men? Have you found yourself in a situation where a man you're attracted to seems perfect, but then you find out he's unavailable? Believe it or not, you are not the only one! It's normal to be attracted to people regardless of their relationship status, but it can be very frustrating to realize that the man you want is already married.

There's really nothing wrong with imagining what could be or what you might do with that married man. Fantasizing is natural and we all do it. The point of a fantasy, however, is that it is supposed to remain a fantasy. Acting on it can lead to hurt feelings and negative situations that are hard to get out of. When it's just a thought in your head that puts a smile on your face, it is a safe alternative that will allow you to explore yourself and your wants without risking an extremely unhappy ending.

Some women are not capable of leaving their fantasies in their heads. You may have found yourself in this situation, as many others have. It is easy to become so wrapped up in these fantasies that you become obsessed with a potential outcome and are determined to take action. In these instances, the temptation to take a little harmless flirting to the next level can quickly escalate into a dangerous situation where a lot of people's feelings are at risk. Luckily, there are ways to keep yourself grounded in reality so that you don't make a hurtful mistake.

• For a lot of women who find themselves attracted to married or otherwise unavailable men, the thrill is in the chase. If this man were to get divorced, would you still feel the same way? Think about where your desire for this guy actually stems from. Sometimes the things we can't have are more appealing specifically because we can't have them.

• If you're thinking of acting on your desires (or already have), it's a good idea to take into consideration the fact that your relationship with this man is only sexual. Even if you have great conversations and he seems affectionate, he is still married and committed to a woman who is not you, and that is not likely to change.

• Never forget that society can be very, very harsh on women in your situation. Regardless of how your affair with this married man progresses, if any of your neighbors, friends or coworkers find out, it could be disastrous for your relationships. People will look down on you. It will be even worse if his marriage suffers for it.

• Remember that he is not likely to fall for you, but you are likely to fall for him. Even if you believe you can handle a no-strings-attached type of relationship, your body is wired to respond emotionally to sexual stimulation. Believing you can fight that urge doesn't mean that your brain won't produce the same chemicals and hormones. You are very likely to have your heart broken, even if you enter into the affair convinced that you are emotionally invincible.

By Hannah E Fairfield

Car Racing Games Put You Behind the Wheel

 Do you feel the need for speed? Do you love the thrill of the chase? If you like fast action that stimulates your reflexes as well as your mind, you should try some car racing games. Let's take a look at a few of the characteristics that make up the most popular of these. Those who play frequently find that such entertainment can actually improve motor skills, problem solving and reaction time. In fact, computer games are even used to train drivers before they head out on the open road.

Vehicles

As you might expect, most racing games feature various automobiles. Oftentimes these are accurate simulations of actual vehicles. The most realistic ones put you in the driver's seat of real-world sports and race cars. Others offer unique challenges such as standard, street legal consumer cars, semi or pick-up trucks, off-road vehicles, motorbikes, and even military transports such as tanks.

Characters

Want to race as a police officer, spy, taxi driver or student driver? Have you ever wondered what it's like to be an auto thief or a valet parking attendant? You can play racing games in almost any role you can imagine. Some feature entirely fantastic players and even recognizable characters from your favorite movies or television shows. Scooby Doo, Spongebob Squarepants, Men In Black and the cast of the movie Cars are just a few of the popular characters you can find in car racing games.

Environment

A game that simulates real-world racing will often feature realistic race tracks, sometimes authentic replicas of popular courses. Others will let you race on the open road. Again, these roads are often accurate simulations of actual places. On the other hand, you can also play in wholly imaginary worlds, ranging from the believable to the wholly absurd. From prehistoric times to futuristic worlds, from peaceful city streets to war zones, from familiar Earth environments to the furthest depths of outer space, car games can be set in virtually any place.

Goals

As you might expect, when you race in the digital world, the goal is to be the first to reach the finish line. Regardless of where or what you drive, you'll need skill and dexterity to beat the competition. Often you will win money or other game currency that can be used to upgrade your vehicle. However, not all games that involve cars revolve around racing. Some are action, adventure or fighting games with the added challenge of driving. Others pit you against more mundane challenges such as parking a car or delivering passengers or packages to a destination.

By Naman R Sanghvi

Football Manager 2013 Guide

Hello everyone!

I wanted to share the way I approach any team I manage and what exact steps I undertake when starting a game on football manager!

When creating yourself as a manager I would suggest being an international footballer as background if you are a beginner and automatic or Sunday league footballer if you are an expert!

After selecting a team, I go in the training menu! In the general Training section I always select very high intensity on team cohesion till the pre-season ends then high during the season. As for the match training I keep the match rest 'selected and I choose attacking movement as focus. Finally, as far as scheduling is concerned I slide towards "more match training" up three-quarters up the way. A good tip: If you struggle scoring on set pieces or you concede a lot defensively you might want to change the training focus if you wish however I have found that leaving those two intact throughout the season to be a 'winning strategy'.

After the training I move on the staff responsibilities, I usually transfer all duties apart from searching and buying players and ask my assistant manager to arrange friendlies, attend press conferences. I prefer to do team-talks and contracts renewals for both staff and players.

Review the team in detail, look at every individual and transfer list any unwanted players, a good tip is to look at the team report which identifies the key strengths and weaknesses of every team, I then assign the staff to scout the "world" and if that is not possible (as small teams are not able to do so) I assign them to the regional area.

What about tactics? Well for the tactics section, if you are a beginner I would heavily suggest going to forums like the SI official website or even FM base; they have plenty of tactics which work great and people usually help you very much! If not I usually identify my players and create a tactic in accordance to the players selecting the formation, mentality, fluidity and so on. I prefer to leave tactics as the modern version whereby you can use shouts throughout the game and thus make it more realistic than "classic tactics".

When creating a tactic from scratch - First you need to select the appropriate formation which in all cases has weaknesses and strengths for example: 4-5-1 some pros' include: Three Central Midfielders make it easier to dominate the pitch and it keeps possession better than a normal 4-4-2 however the lone striker must be very good or less the goals could be hard to come and the players need to be technically adept to hold the ball otherwise the tactic becomes useless. The second step is to select the philosophy and strategy - this is mainly in correlation with your players, for example: If your players lack mentally then a rigid or balanced philosophy works best or if your players lack pace giving them too much freedom might displace your team to a great extent and get badly hit on the counter! Finally, you will find that the strategy will follow the philosophy you choose thus if you want to play quick and swift football then an attacking strategy is the key. If you are a beginner I would leave the sliders to default as they can affect your team in a very negative way, just change the strategy if you are unhappy of the results. Finally select a target man and a playmaker if your tactic requires it or you have the players to do so.

As far as shouts is concerned, there is no general guide however it should in relation to your tactic's mentality

I hope you enjoyed my guide and if you have any questions or feedback PLEASE let me know!

David

By David-Sascha Wolf

Anti Aging Skin Care Creams And Serums: Which One Is For You?

When it comes to skin care it varies with age the kind of care that is needed by the skin of a twenty year old is not the same care that you can give to the skin of a thirty or forty year old woman. As we grow older we need to take more care of our skin, it stops from needing a simple maintenance routine and there is the need to invest in products with the ability to repair and protect our skins.

You need to repair the damage caused on the skin that if left unaddressed will lead to dull and unhealthy skin. Soon the signs of aging start to present themselves and for some they still end up using the same skin care routine not taking into consideration that their skin has changed and needs better products to be able to deal with the kind of changes that it is going through.

Anti aging skin care creams and serums help to combat the signs of aging on our skin and at the same time help our skins to be able to deal better with the problems that aging causes upon our skins. So what is the difference between anti aging skin care cream and anti aging serums?

Serums are said to have more concentrated ingredients and textured in such a way as to better penetrate your skin and work more efficiently thereby resulting in faster and more visible results. However as they work faster and penetrate deeper into your skin in a short time, anti aging serums can feel a bit uncomfortable and there is a need to use them together with other products.

When it comes to anti aging skin care creams they are made to be richer in texture and more emulsified such that they provide more comfort for your skin even as they work at giving you great results. No matter the choice you make whether you decide to have an anti aging serum or an anti aging skin care cream, as stated before, when it comes to anti aging skin care solutions the thing that is fore most is minimizing and protecting your skin from damage.

There various reasons for skin aging, there is the intrinsic aging process that is a result of growing older. This normally begins in the mid twenties whereby our skins produce less collagen a substance that is responsible for the elasticity and firmness of our skins, and also starts becoming less efficient at shedding the dead skin cells on the surface of our skins. When this happens it means that the regeneration of fresh skin cells slows down as well.

This may start during our mid twenties and yet the effects of this intrinsic aging end up being visible decades later in the form of wrinkles and fine lines, sagging and thinner skin. This means that we need to start using anti aging skin care products quite early in our lives, essentially during the mid twenties to late twenties to be able to combat the intrinsic aging process at its onset.

In these times of improved technology and great awareness of harmful ingredients used in skin care products, it has become easier to get safe, gentle and highly effective anti aging skin care creams and serums that show great results and at the same time promotes healthy skin.

For those who dislike the use of chemicals on their skin there are great beauty companies that have taken up the responsibility to produce scientifically researched products created with the use of powerful natural ingredients that act as effective and safe anti aging skin care products.

It's good to start having a great skin care regime in place early so as to be able to combat the effects of aging as soon as they present themselves. It starts with making the right choices by investing in products that are efficient, do not use harmful ingredients and are also created from natural ingredients which are assimilated better by our skins and have no toxic effects on them.

A good product should also be used in conjunction with adequate measures to protect our skins from sun damage as the effect of too much sun on our skin leads to unnecessary skin aging.

By Dr. Farid Mostamand

How to Create Residual Income in a Home-Based Business

 Your ultimate goal is to find a product or service that can make you money and create residual income. You need a product that the consumer will continue to use every month or service that provides a distinct benefit which represents a value to maintain. This means staying away from fad products, such as the current weight loss craze or health drink of the month. Because of my background and training, I tend to lean more towards financial products and services. Despite economic times, financial and healthcare savings programs are always in demand. In addition, the sources for these programs usually come from time-tested companies that will still be around to support you a year from now.

Many readers are all too familiar with the here today, gone tomorrow hot deal of the month promotions. Next to the right product, the next most important decision you will make is what your source will be for your product or service. Unless you are creating your own product, this decision is critical to how residual your income will really be. Look for credible and reliable companies which have been in the marketplace for several years. You are much better off not gambling on a start-up company. Also, find out what marketing tools, training, and support are provided.

As you start to develop your marketing strategy, the next question is what will set you apart from the competition. Becoming the next "me-too" is not going to make you any money. What is it that you or your product can bring to the table that makes you different? Does your product offer a unique feature or benefit? Do you offer better customer service? What value do you add as a marketer? As you start to promote, remember it's never about you, it's always about the customer.

Unless you own your own product, you will need to look for an affiliate program, network marketing company (MLM), or financial services agency for products which require an insurance license to sell. Even though the profit potential is greater, if you are not someone who is interested in recruiting a team to help you market, a network marketing company is probably not for you. The main focus of all MLM companies is more on recruiting than the product itself. This is not to say that some MLM companies don't have excellent products.

Affiliate programs and agencies lean more towards personal sales, but usually have a limited opportunity to earn overrides on the sales of sub-agents.

By Rod Taverna

The Fear Behind Cosmetic Surgery And Rhinoplasty

 Some people fear cosmetic surgery very much because they believe that it has many risks, especially after they consider what the outcome may be if the procedure is not performed to perfection. When people go through this type of surgery, then it is highly likely that it is because they want to change their appearance, or that they are recovering from an accident or a disease that left them having a less than desirable appearance. The truth is that every surgery has its own risks, but if you go to professionals, then this greatly reduces the risk.

In previous times, surgeons did not have the type of equipment that they have these days, and so having a successful procedure done was quite a challenge. These days, thanks to the advancement in technology, it is possible to have a surgery carried out with much success.

One of the best discoveries in this field in recent times is the ability to perform closed rhinoplasty. The best thing about this is that the surgeon does not need to tear up an individual to perform this surgery, everything is internal and therefore, an individual does not need to deal with ugly marks appearing on the body after surgery. This is also an advantage because people heal faster and some claim that the outcome is most favorable.

Some of the most feared aspects of a plastic surgery include:

1. Unexpected results - It is possible that you will go into the surgery room with very high expectations, only to wake up after the procedure and find yourself looking very different. This ought not to be the case because technology has greatly improved and the doctor can make very accurate predictions of the outcome.

2. Complications during the procedure - This is one of the greatest of all fears, since people know that this is not any less of a surgery, and risks are involved. This however ought not to hinder anyone from having this surgery, especially if it is the right thing to do.

3. People talking - People talk every time, however, no one wants to be the subject of the conversation, if what is being said is negative. People fear that if they go for such a procedure, some of their friends might always see them as if they do not deserve to look the way that they do, especially if they look better than they do.

When you get over the above fears of plastic surgery, then there are questions that you need to answer, before you make the decision to book that appointment. You need to have a good answer why you are doing the surgery, you also need to be able to state your expected results, and finally, you need to know exactly what your doctor feels about you taking the procedure.

By Pooja M Shah

The Role of the Plastic Surgeons in Correcting the Functions and Forms of the Body

Plastic surgeons play an important role in correcting and restoring the functions and forms of the body. Contemporary plastic surgery trends that are being reflected in the current society are increasingly showing the advances achieved by the medical science. Furthermore, patients are seeking for less expensive alternatives as opposed to invasive plastic surgery.

Popular 'injectables' like laser skin resurfacing, Face Peels, Botox, Sculptra, and Juvederm are providing the desires rejuvenation, tightening and lifting without the need for full surgical procedures. Nevertheless, it is advisable for patients to seek a certified plastic surgeon to achieve the best results with the 'injectable' treatment.

The options for implants

The size and shape of the breast is important, therefore you need to be open and honest in respect to your expectations when you are discussing the options with your surgeon. The size and type of the implant will be determined by your desires as well as the body type, skin elasticity and breast anatomy. The common breast implants include the silicone and saline implants.

· Silicone implants- These are often filled using an elastic gel. The gel moves and feels like the natural breast tissue. In case the implant breaks, the gel remains within the shell of the implant. Alternatively, the gel may escape to the implant pocket. Leaking implants filled with the silicone gel may fail to collapse. Therefore, if you choose the silicone implant you need to visit the plastic surgeon regularly to make sure that the implants are in proper condition. An MRI screening or ultrasound can help in assessing the condition of the breast implant.

· Saline implants- These are often filled using sterile salt water. They are filled with different amounts of saline that affects the firmness, feel and shape of the breast. In case the implant breaks, the saline breast implants collapse while the saline is absorbed naturally to be expelled from the body.

Preparation for the surgery

The special instructions received will cover what you need to do on the date of the surgery as well as the follow-up and post-operative care. In addition, the plastic surgeon will discuss the place where the procedures will be performed.

The surgical procedures may be performed in an outpatient surgical center, hospital or an office based surgical center. If the surgical procedures are scheduled to take place on the basis of an outpatient setting, you will need to make arrangements for a family member or friend to drive you particularly after the surgery.

By Pooja M Shah

Natural Breast Augmentation and Butt Lift

There are surgical and non-surgical procedures that are considered invasive or less invasive cosmetic surgeries. Then there are procedures that are considered natural or fat transfer cosmetic techniques, are they considered to be healthier plastic surgery? It is known that they greatly reduce the standard surgical risks of infections, body rejection, excessive scaring and change of heart associated with implants used for enhancement. A few of the smaller procedures include using one's own body fat to plump up gaunt cheeks, thin lips, sunken necks as well as skeletal hands and feet.

However, there are two large-scale surgical procedures that women truly love because they greatly impact two of the most significant components of a flattering body. These procedures include such things as the "natural" breast augmentation and the Brazilian butt lift. Every woman knows how feminine and sexy she looks with a well-rounded profile, in the right areas. If genetics did not give them the fuller busts that they want or the perkier buttocks that they want but genetics makes sure they have ample excess body fat, well, they have options of how to use what nature has given them to make up for what they believe they lack.

The fat transfer breast augmentation and the fat transfer butt lift involve two procedures that are performed in the same day. The surgeon will first liposuction and harvest a substantial amount of fat from the waist or thighs of the patient or from a donor by this method of fat grafting. The fat is then specially processed by purifying it to removing the blood, oil and water out of it. Then the fat is thoughtfully injected into four strategic incisions for the breast augmentation by way of a specialized, blunt small cannula tube. And similarly the fat transfer butt lift uses a series of smaller, strategic injections that, for both procedures allows a larger margin for sculpting. Unlike implant silicone inserts, the fat allows for a smoother natural shape.

The advantages for the fat transfer procedure whether it is for the breast augmentation or the butt lift, there is more control over the shape at the point of surgery and long term, and it can even be used to disguise unattractive implants that may be begun to ripple or shift. However, the disadvantage for the breast enhancement would be breast exams and cancer screenings may be a little bit more challenging because of the natural process of calcifying and scaring. But as long as a woman remains diligent about her monthly physical exams, annual doctor visits and mammograms, avoidance of danger and/or early detection will keep her safe and loving her naturally fuller breasts for years to come.

 By A Aaronson